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It is still April, and about 20 candidates have tossed themselves into the ring for the dubious honor of being the 2020 Democratic nominee. Dubious, since history shows that presidents who have Trump’s numbers at this point are reelected. Pretty much always.

Dubious is also appropriate because the increasingly totalitarian base of the Democratic Party is demanding purity over electability. And that never ends well – for anyone.

Despite the increasingly radical stance of the left (CNN is even breaking ranks over letting incarcerated felons vote), there are a lot of centrists in the field. Red meat for the grinder? Maybe. I think this is another example of the inner party not knowing their base anymore. The GOP has this same problem – but the GOP base isn’t as insane as the Democratic Party base.

The first hurdle for these 21 candidates is in June. In order to qualify for the first debate, they need to poll at 1% support in at minimum three approved official polls for either the national level or the first four primary states and they need to receive donations from at least 65,000 unique donors, with at least 200 unique donors per state in at least 20 states. I can support that – it weeds out the likely also-rans fast, and lets the DNC focus on protecting Biden.

For the format, each of the candidates, as of April 26 is listed in alphabetical order, with a brief explainer of who they are, and my take on their chances in the second paragraph. Each photo is the same width, and the logos may be sized to not cover the photo. All photos and logos come from the Wikipedia 2020 Election page. About those logos – some interesting color choices in there. A lot of darker colors instead of the official DNC blue. That’s different. The fonts are mostly standard, nothing too wacky. Interesting is the candidates whose teams don’t include a designer who understands that SVG is the way to go. There are far more than I expected in 2019. It isn’t a political statement, but it does seem out of touch in the design realm.

So, to each of these poor saps, good luck. The fix is probably already in for Biden, so the rest of you are running for VP. Unless Clinton or Michelle Obama enters the race…then it becomes anyone’s guess who the DNC will pick.

Joe Biden

Joe Biden

Age: 76

Ah, good old ‘Gropey’ Joe Biden. Two-time failed nominee, President Obama’s VP, and serial groper of women. Biden is, of course, exempt from the requirement to be shunned because of his treatment of women because he was the Chosen One’s VP. He also is known for calling Obama “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” Classy!

Biden is the likely nominee, unless Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama enters the fray.

Cory Booker

Cory Booker

Age: 49

Booker is one of those people who likes to make up stories to seem cool. Ask his imaginary friend ‘T-Bone’. He is another of the Democratic Party’s economic morons, supporting the ‘Medicare for all’ concept, higher taxes, and the usual suite of talking points.

Booker won’t be the nominee, although he might last deep into the primary season.

Pete Buttigieg

Pete Buttigieg

Age: 37

Pete Buttigieg is interesting. On the surface, he seems like a lock – young, gay, smart, and he check most of the policy boxes. But, there is some pushback from the far left. Something about being centrist. Interesting. His election numbers are pushing North Korean levels – 74% & 80% in his first and second term – so there is something there. But not this cycle.

Pete Buttigieg won’t be the nominee, and his unpronounceable last name is why. Seriously.

Julián Castro

Julián Castro

Age: 44

Ok, I admit, I know nothing about this dude. Interestingly, if he manages to claim the nomination, Castro would be the first Democratic presidential nominee since 1924 to not serve as vice president, governor or senator. His Wiki page is incredibly light on details. He does seem to be in the identity politics racket, which should be an immediate DQ.

Honestly, he isn’t likely to make it past Iowa. He won’t poll well among the legions of children traumatized by the evil Santa in ‘Hardrock, Coco and Joe’, as he bears an uncanny resemblance to said demon.

John Delaney

John Delaney

Age: 56

Another also-ran. Delaney checks one of my personal boxes – he didn’t seek reelection as a rep from Maryland in order to focus on his 2020 White House run. That is the honorable decision, and one I notice others in this list didn’t make.

He’s doomed – he is centrist, moderate, and not (it seems) extreme on any issue. He even believes in equality. Doomed. You don’t win with this party by being reasonable.

Tulsi Gabbard

Tulsi Gabbard

Age: 38

Who? Seriously, who is she? She seems to be isolationist, which is an interesting position to take. She is also first Samoan American and the first Hindu member of Congress.

Habbard is another one who might rise to also-ran status, but likely won’t make any impact in the race. Interestingly, she is a major in the Hawaii Army National Guard.

Kirsten Gillibrand

Kirsten Gillibrand

Age: 52

I would call her another unknown, but she is known – for calling for potential Biden VP choice Al Franken to resign after photos of him groping a sleeping woman surfaced.

She is also doomed to not even make also-ran status. She is a centrist in a radical climate, and has a past defending tobacco companies and being anti-illegal immigration. Doomed.

Mike Gravel

Mike Gravel

Age: 88

Well, Gravel wins the coolest name in the race award. Despite sounding like a Mickey Spillane knock-off character, Gravel has been in politics longer than some of these candidates have been alive. He is running as, it seems, a spoiler. “The goal will not be to win, but to bring a critique of American imperialism to the Democratic debate stage.”

He doesn’t want votes, just exposure and an audience. Frankly, I don’t see him getting either.

Kamala Harris

Kamala Harris

Age: 54

Hey, someone else that I have heard of! Kamela Harris is the doofus who fought for a law to hold parents accountable, criminally (including jail time) for truant kids – and now is shocked her law is being used to send parents to jail. Shocked! She also was listening to Tupac and Biggie before they released any albums, which is impressive.

She will make it past the first several primaries, but her record as a prosecutor dooms her. At every level, she defended prosecutorial misconduct. So, she is out.

John Hickenlooper

John Hickenlooper

Age: 67

Another of the candidates with no national profile. In a fair world, he would be a contender – he served as governor of Colorado, and thus has actual executive experience. He is also not a lawyer, which is nice to see. 

Another doomed centrist. And he is establishment, which hasn’t been a good thing for a while now. Won’t make it to the convention as a viable candidate, which is unfortunate. President Hickenlooper is funny.

Jay Inslee

Jay Inslee

Age: 68

Another governor! And another person without a national stage. He does make a valid point about that though – Carter & Clinton were also unknowns until they became President. But that was a different time, and those may be the exceptions.

Inslee seems like too much of a single-issue candidate. Like Gravel, he seems to be in it to draw attention, not to win. He just doesn’t know that yet. A successful Inslee campaign will focus lots of attention on climate issues, as he drops out after a few primaries.

Amy Klobuchar

Amy Klobuchar

Age: 58

As the first female senator from Minnesota, Klobuchar has some chops. She also had to ask people to cheer at a recent town hall appearance, so there is that. Klobuchar seems like another Dem centrist, which is code for ‘doomed’ in this cycle. She also, apparently, once classified pizza sauce as a vegetable. Which isn’t technically wrong, after all.

Centrist = Doomed. But, her profile as a strong senator (who won reelection last year, so there is that issue) makes her a good VP candidate. I expect her to make several short lists.

Wayne Messam

Wayne Messam

Age: 44

Ok, seriously, the mayor of Miramar. No, not the one in Top Gun, the one in Florida. Messam is the son of immigrants, which is cool – and that he is running for President is nifty for a 1st gen American. Good on him! He has no real platform beyond the usual ‘gun control’ nonsense. Oh, and he jumped on the ‘cancel student loans’ bandwagon.

Not a contender. I don’t think he makes it past Iowa. If he gets to Iowa.

Seth Moulton

Seth Moulton

Age: 40

A backbencher from Salem, Massachusetts? Really? This is a 2019 Democrat straight from Central Casting – his views are as stock as they come. Except for being in favor of more nuclear plants, that is a bit radical for the Dems.

Another bland white dude, who commits the cardinal sin of favoring nuclear power (which is good – more nuclear plants are what we need, but the left prefers to change the climate and kill birds). His contribution to the 2020 race will be as a tough trivia answer.

Robert Francis O'Rourke

Robert Francis O'Rourke

Age: 46

Ah, the poster child for cultural appropriation! Bobby is Welsh/Irish, but uses a Hispanic nickname to pretend to be of that culture. And the left loves it! Loves it so much that he is listed on the candidates site and Wikipedia by that nickname. Bobby is everything the left pretends to hate – privileged, white, claiming a heritage not his own. And they love him for it! And then there were the pranks: the remote-controlled cockroach in the kitchen, the “Psycho”-style scares in the shower. One time, according to a friend, Beto collected an especially verdant turd from one of their kids’ diapers and put it in a bowl, telling Amy it was avocado. (Neither would confirm this, though Beto did allow it sounded like something he’d do.)

Sadly, the Democratic Party is so deranged that this fraud stands a good chance of being a contender, and possible VP candidate.

Tim Ryan

Tim Ryan

Age: 45

President Obama inadvertently (or not?) did something horrible – he ran on vapor (hope? change?). So now, we have candidates like Ryan, running on….nothing. Seriously, his campaign site has nothing about what he stands for, believes, or is running to accomplish. 

A vapid white dude shouldn’t stand a chance in the party of identity politics. And he really doesn’t. I don’t think he will make the first primary.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders

Age: 77

Ah, Bernie. Beloved of the economically illiterate and frat boys everywhere.  Bernie lost the nod to Clinton in 2016, in no small part due to the Democratic Party being anything but. By the same token, he couldn’t get his Bernie Bros to the polls in any kind of numbers, and I expect that his people have failed to look into why. 

Sanders does believe in recycling – his 2020 logo is the 2016 logo. No changes. Sanders failed to secure the nomination, and while I think he could have beaten Trump, his inability to translate energy into votes likely dooms him this time too. I think, especially with Biden in the mix, he won’t be a factor as deep into the primary season as he was in 2016.

Eric Swalwell

Eric Swalwell

Age: 38

Another national-level nobody. Who happens to have a single good idea. He advocates for a Mobile Congress – allowing members to vote remotely, thus spending more time in their districts. I do like that idea.

Swalwell was the only white, male candidate to not get a Biden Bump – he remains at the bottom of the pile. And I think he will be the first of the current candidates to drop out.

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren

Age: 69

Elizabeth Warren should pair with O’Rourke to run on the ‘Culture Appropriated’ ticket. Honestly, her policies are awful enough that her dubious claims to being Cherokee should be overlooked. Warren is not just a standard Dem – she is a true believer, and all the more dangerous because of it. Like Sanders, she is very much of the ‘you pay, not me’ school.

It is likely she will wind up as a top VP choice, especially as the other candidates don’t play to the far left as well as she can. Her dubious claims of Indian heritage won’t allow her to be the actual nominee.

Marianne Williamson

Marianne Williamson

Age: 66

An unknown on the national stage. This is a theme in the Democratic field this cycle, it seems. Her political experience is losing a Congressional race. On the up side, not a life-long politician. On the down side, she is another pro-reparations Democrat.

Williamson won’t impact the race in the least – she is likely to be gone before the primaries begin.

Andrew Yang

Andrew Yang

Age: 44

Another non-politician! I do like this, as I think we need to move away form the idea of a political career being a positive thing, and back toward it being rare. Yang is a tech entrepreneur. He is selling himself on being ego-free, an obvious lie as he is running for the biggest ego-stroke in the country. Also supports a VAT to fund a UBI.

And this is the last of the candidates. Not a contender. Yang will likely be in the same boat as Moulton – a trivia answer.